How to enjoy a baseball game...

I went to the Minnesota Twins game yesterday with my three sons. We had a great time. However, if there's one thing I don't like about attending professional sporting events it's the cost of food and beverages. Cha-Ching!

So I asked the kids to eat at home before we went. This way we would not have to eat expensive (not to mention not-so-healthy) ballpark food. Everyone had a full meal and off to the game we went. It seemed like a sensible plan.

As we entered the Metrodome I could smell the sweet aroma of Dome Dogs and popcorn in the air. For those who may not know, the Metrodome is an indoor facility. Some would say because of that it's not a 'real' baseball stadium. I agree, but that's a topic for another day. An indoor stadium is great when the weather is bad. On the downside, those aromatic fragrances of ballpark culinary delights are mercilessly distributed throughout the entire building through the air handling system. It's cruel I tell you... just cruel.

I am proud to report all four of us resisted caving in to the sweet smelling assault-which is saying a lot. My stomach was growling like a rabid wolverine eyeing up fresh road kill.

Once we got to our seats... out into the area of the park that is open and expansive... the smells diminished and our senses were now consumed by all the things going on around us. The players warming up on the field... the mascot (TC) doing antics on a four-wheeler... the JumboTron TV showing baseball bloopers... an educational promo for ALS research (the disease that killed Lou Gehrig and now bears his name)... the ceremonial first pitch... the National Anthem... and "PLAY BALL!" Game on. We had been successfully distracted.

Then... WHAM! without any warning at all...

"Beer here! Get your beer here! Ice cold beer here!"

"Peanuts, popcorn, cracker jacks! They're a baseball tradition."

"Snow cones! Get your kids an tasty snow cone."

"Dome Dogs! Can't enjoy a baseball game without a Dome Dog!"

My mind started to play tricks on me. I wondered... was the beer REALLY that cold? Cracker Jacks. I remember having cracker jacks at Forbes Field in Pittsburgh when I was a kid. I bet my kids would enjoy a tasty snow cone and I would become an instant hero for buying them one. It is true... a Dome Dog would make watching the baseball game more enjoyable.

WAIT!!!!

What was I thinking? A Dome Dog would make the game more enjoyable? They are ground pig lips and knuckles-and other things we do not speak of-pressed into a sausage casing and packed with so many preservatives that you can, quite literally, eat them right out of the package with no concern for consequences.

I had successfully talked myself off the ledge. After all, we had just eaten a complete meal before we came. No one, including me, was hungry. And then came the most dreaded words a parent can hear: "Dad, can I have..." In this case, it was cotton candy.

"How much?" I asked. I don't really know why I asked the question. Reflex I guess, because I had every intention of buying it. I guess I just needed to know if a $5 bill was going to cover it or if I would have to part with a $10 bill. "Four dollars" came the response.

For a fleeting moment I thought to myself. "Four dollar! That's an outrage. You can't be looking at any more than $.25 worth of product and another $.03 for the plastic bag it's wrapped in. It doesn't even come on a paper stick for goodness sakes!" I didn't say a word. I just passed the $5 bill down the row to the vendor and back came one bag of blue spun sugar and a wrinkled dollar bill. The kids were quick to hand me the dollar... but not so quick to do the same with the spun sugar. I had to actually ASK to have some.

Ok, we've got that out of our system. Let's watch some baseball.

Quickly I came to learn that buying the cotton candy would be a HUGE mistake. It revealed my vulnerable under belly-the side of me that my kids are so perceptively able to see and exploit. Dad was willing to open up his wallet and let go of a few of his musty bills.

I swear the vendors must have some sort of secret hand gestures they use, like the ones third base coaches use when they are trying to tell the batter how to hit the ball. Only in this case, the vendor signals to let the other vendors know there is a vulnerable dad in the crowd. There had to be signals. Every one of those vendors were barking their sales pitches directly to my kids, making eye contact and smiling. It was a disgusting display of salesmanship. I thought to myself, "I bet all of you sell used cars when you're not at the ballpark."

Next up... sunflower seeds. "How much?" Just $3 for a bag. Not bad. I like sunflower seeds and these were 'Jumbo' sunflower seeds-definitely a bargain. This one was not a hard sale. Down the aisle went more of my hard-earned money and back came the bag of seeds. The seeds may have been Jumbo, but the bag sure wasn't. We each got a couple of handfuls.

Ok, we got that out of our system... Let's watch some baseball.

As the sunflower seed vendor walked away, my suspicions were confirmed. I watched him run his right hand down his left sleeve. He pulled on his right ear. Then he put his left hand on the top of his head and finally he reached down and scratched his right knee. To the untrained eye, someone might have thought he was swatting a fly or he had an itch. I knew better. It was a signal. It was definitely a signal!

When the dust settled on the afternoon, we had bought cotton candy, sunflower seeds, soda pop (several times), ice cream, snow cones, and Cracker Jacks. We even bought preserved lips and knuckles pressed into sausage casings. Oh, excuse me... Dome Dogs.

But I resisted paying $6.25 for a beer. That was an outrageous price and I refused to pay it. I now regret that decision. When I got home and did the inventory of my treasury notes, I realized I had parted with over 40 of them so the youngins would not starve at the ballpark. And I denied myself perhaps the greatest ballpark experience of all-washing down my lips and knuckles with an 'Ice Cold Beer Here.'

The Twins won, 4-3 and amongst all the eating that was going on we managed to watch some if it happen.