What is that word?

There must be a word in the English language for phrases you read that can have double meanings. It's kind of funny how my mind works because I often find myself amused by the signs I read in different places that can mean something completely different than what was intended. Take, for example, the sign I saw recently at a water park.

"Severe Weather Shut Off Button"

This sign made me think to myself... how ingenious is that? If the water park is full of people and severe weather approaches, all an alert employee needs to do is run over and depress this button... and off goes the severe weather. Think about how many potential applications there are for such a button in parks, sports arenas, golf courses... virtually any outdoor gathering place. I hope the person who invented that button got a patent for it and is living a comfortable retirement in a place so serene as to not require their invention.

9-1-1 What is your emergency?

DISPATCHER: "9-1-1. What is your emergency?"

ME: "Uh, yah... can you send the fashion police to the Caribou coffee shop on Lexington Avenue."

DISPATCHER: "What seems to be the problem there, sir?"
ME: "It's hard to describe, but I see a man wearing red and white tiger-striped shorts."
DISPATCHER: "I'm sorry... did you say red and white tiger-striped shorts?"
ME: "Yes, Ma'am."
DISPATCHER: "Does he seem to be in distress?"
ME: "No, but everyone else in the the coffee shops is gagging on their lattes. I'm afraid if the fashion police do not show up soon you're going to have a very large mess on your hands. I'm talking casualties... LOTS of causalities."
DISPATCHER: "Ok... calm down sir. You seem to be distraught."
ME: "Listen lady... you would be distraught too if you had to look at this. Wait, I'll take a picture on my camera phone and send it to you."
[pause for taking and sending of said picture]
DISPATCHER: "Oh my God! It's worse than I could have imagined. Evacuate the store immediately and we'll send out the SWAT team."
___________________
Here's a little fashion tip for Mr. Tiger Pants... If you lose a bet with your buddies and you have to wear a pair of shorts that look like these to pay off your debt... stay out of public places. If I owned a Taser gun, I would have dropped you right then and there.

Understanding the irrational behavior of teenage boys

Now there's a posting title that ought to get your attention! Parents of teenage boys (I have two) know that trying to get your little cherubs to look at things in rational ways and to make good decisions can be... let's say, a "______ challenge!" (and I'll let you fill in the blank with the adjective of your choice.)

Chances are you find yourself frustrated and wondering why they do certain things or don't do other things. It seems to sometimes defy logic. There's a good explanation for this.

The section of their brain known as the prefrontal cortex controls the process of rational, logical thinking. Unfortunately, research has show that the prefrontal cortex does not fully develop in teenage boys until around the age of twenty one. So when you're struggling to understand how your teenager sometimes acts like they have half a brain... in some respects... they do.

The good news is, most of them will develop a healthy, mature prefrontal cortex by their early twenties and start acting mature and making rational, logical decisions. However, as you can attest, there are some people who seem to suffer through life with an abnormally underdeveloped prefrontal cortex and suffer a long, painful existence of immaturity and poor decision making. Most of them probably carry the label "ex-husband."

We've gone over the edge

Recently I had the opportunity to attend field day at my son's school. Lots of fun and frolicking in the sun by fifty third grade kids while parents root them on from the side lines. Fifty yard dash... hurdles... tennis ball toss... kick ball... sack races... good stuff. We have been attending field days for almost ten years and every year the festivities concludes with a Tug O'War between the classes.

But not this year. The physical education teacher announced that this year the event was going to be called Tug O'Fun... "We're not using the word 'war' anymore" he explained. Oh... My... God... I thought to myself. Political correctness has gone over the edge. We are no longer allowed to use the word war? Good thing this political correctness stuff wasn't around at the turn of the century or that famous race horse Man O'War might have been renamed Man O'Fun... which would have taken on a whole new meaning and spawned countless jokes, no doubt.

There is a place for some political correctness in our lives, for sure. Replace "Firemen" with "Firefighters" but leave Tug O'War alone.
'

What's the hurry?

As I have aged I now find myself driving more like an "old man" than a "young man." That is to say I drive the speed limit more often (and sometimes even under the speed limit). Maybe it's because I spent 30 years as an EMT and paramedic and I saw too much of the aftermath of careless, reckless, hurried driving. Or maybe as I've aged I have realized that there's no place I have to be in that much of a hurry. If you're late, just tell the person waiting for your arrival that traffic was brutal. Where can you drive today that you're not going to encounter some traffic? It's a plausible excuse that will earn you forgiveness so long as you don't abuse it.

It's not worth the risk of driving aggressive. Slow down... enjoy the scenery. Muse at the person who seems to be in a tremendous hurry to get somewhere... knowing that their high-stress (and potentially high-consequence) driving is going to result in them reaching their destination just a few minutes ahead of you.

Stay out of the fast lane... Life's too important to rush through it and it's too valuable to risk losing it in an accident.

You mean the world to someone. Don't let them down by risking your life with careless driving habits.

Reinventing Baseball

Ok, so I'm sitting at my son's baseball game... in the rain. It's cold and windy. I suspect that most of the parents, like me, enjoy watching their sons play baseball... when the sun is shining. Even a cloudy day is ok. As I'm sitting there under my umbrella (which only keeps my upper body dry as the water runs off and drenches my pants) I'm thinking to myself... there has got to be a way to improve the efficiency of baseball. Every time a team takes the field there are warm-ups. Each warm up takes about 5 minutes. This particular game has seven innings. That's FOURTEEN warm-ups. At five minues a warm-up, they spend seventy minutes(!!!) just warming up.

Ok, time to reinvent baseball. In a seven inning game each team will have seven times at bat and each time at bat they get three outs. That's twenty-one outs. If each team only batted once, the first team batting until they amassed twenty-one outs and then their opponent batting until they amassed twenty-one outs (or outscored the opponent), then baseball games would take much less time.

Maybe this could be become a "foul weather rule." I'm ok with spending the extra hour+ enjoying good weather but when it's nasty out, the kids aren't having fun, the coaches aren't having fun, the umpires aren't having fun, and the parents aren't having fun. So why prolong the agony. It's time to reinvent baseball.

Welcome to Woppy Jawed

This posting is the official launch of Woppy Jawed, a place where I will share my musings on the lunacy of life and leadership.

I'd sound the trumpets but my wife and kids are still in bed and if I woke them up, they'd beat me like a pinata. So I'll just put on some coffee, walk the dog, get the morning paper, and contemplate how my life is going to change now that I have a blog.

Dr. Richard B. Gasaway
www.RichGasaway.com